Enemy

I am having a kind of silent smoldering JIHAD in my heart against a science teacher in our department. Today's story revolves around a placement test for non-English majors, but before we get to the details of that, you need some background on this guy. We both arrive early at school and often see each other in the office or the parking lot.

Now the president of our university is a chauvenist in a kind of endearing traditional Japanese kind of way. For example, at the graduation ceremony this year, he said (I am not making this up) to the new graduates of a women's university, " Right now Japan is having a lot of problems: unemployment is high, juvenile delinquency is increasing, and the birth rate is falling. All of these problems could be solved if women today would give up their insane drive for equality with men. You recent graduates should not work, because women working take jobs from men and causes unemployment. Women should take care of the house, have children to solve the falling population problem and stay home to raise them to end juvenile delinquency. So don't feel bad if you can't find a job in today's difficult economy; women shouldn't work anyway. But thanks for the four years of tuition." He did not actually say that bit about tuition, but I could sense the sincerity of his gratitude.

But I digress. In addition to chauvenism, the president also practices the traditional art of calligraphy and plastered in prominent places around the school are various hand written posters extolling teachers and students to greet each other. "Let's say hello and become friends" and " Saying 'Good Morning' can build a bridge between two people." are good examples of the tone of these posters.

Now as daft as this sounds, the whole school, faculty and administrators alike, seems to have taken these words to heart and in the morning the place rings with more cries of "OHAYOGAZIMASU" than a soda machine at SHINJUKU station during rush hour. (Remember, vending machines in Japan talk.) After a little hesitation, I too become a hearty morning greeter. So whenever I saw my soon to become enemy, in the parking lot or office, I sang out with a cheerful "OHAYOGAZIMASU." He never once returned my greeting. Once we even got in the elevator together, only the two of us, and I said "Good Morning", but he did not say a word. No acknowledgement of my presence in the elevator or of my existence in general.

At first I wondered if he were simply a highly accomplished blind, deaf mute, but from that moment in the elevator, I knew I had found my enemy. For three years, I have stubbornly said "hello", and for three years he has studiously ignored me. I may be wrong in attributing intent to his ignoring me. It might be that he just does not see me, but it has continued for three
years.

Now this year, as part of internal reforms in the department, it was decided that non-English majors would be streamed according to ability for their required English classes. Now the placement test is a story in itself and we don't have time to go into that here, but I would like to draw the reader's kind attention to the consistent use of the passive when discussing this test. This is intentional and accurate as no one could ever tell me who the motivating force behind this test was. I was asked to write the test. Committees were formed, memos drafted and rewritten, rooms assigned, check lists created, hot lines installed in preparation for an event that no one would claim responsibility for.

It was decided that a brief meeting for the teachers administering the test would be held in order to make sure that every one understood the format of the test, how to fill in the answer sheet etc. The test was scheduled for 2:00 pm on April 9 and at 1:30 I was waiting in the room where the meeting for test administrators would be held in a few moments. As I had written the test, it was decided that I would run this meeting. The department assistant was there to help me.

At 1:30 the door of the room burst open and in walked my enemy! I was dumbstruck. It had never occurred to me that he might be one of the test administrators. It is not like I lie around at night obsessing about this guy. Occasionally I remember that I have an enemy and feel warm inside and that is about the extent of it. I was a little concerned though. Soon the meeting would be held. He might have a question and we would have to talk. What if he turned out to be a resonable, normal person. I would lose my enemy.

Suddenly, he waved a piece a paper at the assistant and said, "Where the hell is everybody? It says here the meeting is at 1:30?" The assistant looked at the paper saw that it was a memo she had written and said, "Oh this is the first memo. We noticed that some of the teachers were busy with library orientation until 1:30 so we changed the time to 1:40. Didn't you get the new memo?"

"It doesn't matter if I got it or not. THis is the first memo. This is the first impression. The first impression is the one that stays in your mind." Shouting now, "WHOEVER WROTE THIS MEMO IS COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE! COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE!"


I was so relieved. He was just as I imagined. Who could ask for a more perfect enemy. The assistant made him a cup of tea and he sat down. He suddenly seemed to notice me for the first time. He crossed his arms, closed his eyes and went into the power coma preferred by teachers during long faculty meetings. Obstinantly pretending to be quickly and completely asleep.

Around 1:40 the other teachers shuffled in. There was quick round of greeting in which my enemy refused to join. The assistant and I had sent around a memo of things to be careful of during the test and we asked if everyone had a copy. My enemy did not have his, but asked the assistant for one. I started to read through the list, "First, when the students write their student numbers make sure that they write "01" for the year 2001 not just "1". Second, there are two halves to the test; the first half is listening and the second half is reading and grammar. Third, the computer has trouble reading the answer sheets if the marks go outside the lines..."

Addressing himself to the assistant, my enemy interrupted, "Don't you have any new information. I read this already. I can read. I understand all of this. It is almost time. If you don't have anything new, I am going to go to the classroom." He stood up. The assistant said, "We just wantedto make sure everyone understood..."

But he was already at the door waving the paper at her. "I don't have time to listen to this it is almost 2:00." (It was 1:50) "I understand all of this."

After he left, there was a round of sighs, and a few suppressed giggles. There were a couple of questions and everyone quickly left.


After the test was finished an hour later, when we checked through the answer sheets to see if any students had made mistakes with their student numbers or marked answers outside the lines, we found about 15 who had. Oddly, they were all from the same teacher's test room. I am sure the clever reader can guess whose room that was.